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May. 17th, 2008 | 01:05 am

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<strong>Your Penis Name Is...</strong>
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<center><strong>Little Juan</strong></center>
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Plato dixit.

Dec. 27th, 2007 | 02:02 am
music: where is the love

"[Lámore e'] la mania per la quale qualcuno, vedendo la bellezza di quaggiu' e ricordandosi di quella vera, mette le ali e cosi' alato arde dal desiderio di levarsi in volo"

L'innamorato a questo punto considera l'amato un essere quasi divino e irraggiungibile, perche' identifica in lui la perfezione. "chi e' stato iniziato recentemente e chi ha a lungo contemplato le visioni passate, quando vede un bel volto di aspetto divino, che imita bene la bellezza, o un bel corpo, per prima cosa ha un fremito e qualcuno dei timori passati si insinua in lui. Quindi lo guarda e lo onora come un dio e, se non temesse di apparire completamente folle, offrirebbe sacrifici all'amato come a una statua sacra o a un dio".

Certamente, in tutto questo il ruolo fondamentale hanno gli occhi perche' la bellezza dell'amato viene percepita inizialmente attraverso la vista. Platone spiega questo fenomeno in modo scientifico sostenendo che l'uomo innamorato genera al proprio interno una specie di liquido che scorre fino al punto dove le ali dei cavalli si erano spezzate (all'arrivo sulla terra). Cosi' l'unico modo possibile per far rigenerare le ali e' quello di fornirsi continuamente di quel liquido, e quindi di vedere il piu' spesso possibile la persona amata.

Dall'altra parte, si prova dolore comunque alla sua visione perche', come dice Platone, la situazione e' simile come quando ai bambini spuntano i primi denti, e dove c'e' comunque una sofferenza (qui causata dalla rigenerazione delle ali). La quale e' sicuramente meno grave di quella causata dalla totale assenza della persona amata. Questo perche' ormai vi si e' creata una forma di "malata" dipendenza della presenza dell'amato sempre da parte dell'innamorato.


Durante tutte queste fasi, l'amato di solito attraversa anche lui un'evoluzione interna. Infatti, passa da uno stato di indifferenza nei confronti dell'innamorato a uno stato di complicita' e di apprezzamento delle sue attenzioni.


L'unico punto che rimane, pero', oscuro e' il fatto se per Platone l'amore dovesse essere per forza univoco, cioe' come un rapporto dove c'e' sempre un innamorato "dipendente" e un amato che gode delle sue attenzioni, o potesse essere anche biunivoco, cioe' con un rapporto di parita' dove le disuguaglianze si combinano tra di loro affinche' si raggiunga un equilibrio (come dovrebbe succedere nella maggior parte dei casi).

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people are so fake.

Dec. 27th, 2007 | 01:41 am
music: james morrison_wonderful world

I thought I was doing well but I just want to cry now

dunno. there isnt really a reason for saying that. just been thinking.

I've been down so low people look at me and they know,  
they can tell something is wrong, like I dont belong.

people fake.
saying that theyre ok even when theyre not.

And I know that it's a wonderful world but i cant feel it right now

you can cheat on your lover, you can cheat on your best friend. but still.
you cheat.
you lie.
its a vicious circle and everyone does it.

who am I to dream, dreams are for fools, they always let you down.

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a new era has begun.

Jan. 13th, 2007 | 10:53 pm
music: incubus_dig

times are changing.
people need to be changed.
need replacement.

need (temporary) replacement.
even if you know they will come back to you eventually.
you believe so.

and then you know you'll be like.
we all have weaknesses.
and that was mine.

some say thats meant to be.
some say he is.

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ha! i think i've had an illumination

Jan. 10th, 2007 | 11:05 pm
music: dresden dolls _ mandy goes to med school

at the medical uni.
a friend that i havent seen for a long time.
he changed his looks slightly
and he turns out to be a pretty HOT piece of meat.

P.S. and guess what? he is a future doctor for a change; philosophers are out of fashion trends right now ;-)

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a rush of alcohol to my head.

Aug. 30th, 2006 | 03:09 pm
mood: apathetic apathetic
music: coldplay

im trying to build castles of sand around myself in which to hide. i want to hide. from everyone.
the bar. tuesday.
this is where it all had started. a year ago?
now were all here. and the circle closes.
i had a similar fetish dream once that i would manage to *threesome* the three of us in some sort of random situation/conversation. and actually i did do that once, by accident, it happened during an improvised party that took place in my last years room.
but now. im a pussy.
i got tremendously drunk and wasted. just in order to avoid it.
such a pussy teenager.
with even worse hormonal attacks of the kind.
of course we didnt kiss. we just danced. and bootied each other. and smoked up together. and all of that shit.
it would have been so easy i know. to kiss him. but then what. i freakin cant. cause he is my freakin GOD and i should get close to the divinity. read: should screw it up. he has to remain PERFECT, INTACT.
but. he was my way out last nite.
to runnaway and hide in one of my sand castles.

[i must stop doing that. never again]

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i love him.

Aug. 24th, 2006 | 03:42 am


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cleaning up my closet + shit i left behind..

Aug. 20th, 2006 | 10:38 pm
location: back @ UC
mood: satisfied satisfied
music: fiona apple _ criminal/ badbad girl

feels good, it really does. kinda feel proud of myself. by doing absofuckinglutely nothing over the past 2 months i got back 3 emails that made my day. actually the entire year.
all emails of *sorryness* and shit.
1. the Rat
2. the Fungus
3. and today the B-guy.

how hilarious is that? they all say theyre SORRY and that they made a MISTAKE in my regards, they HURT me and shit.. WTF?!!
i love REGRETS. and this time not those of my own.

i feel POWERFUL.

but will i feel that way even one day very very soon when I see them coming back to my life?

SELF-CONTROL is the key word.

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when the curious girl realizes she is under glass

Jun. 29th, 2006 | 08:15 pm
location: i should call it home
mood: weird weird
music: bright eyes

its 37 degrees outside, im at home and at this moment i am officially approaching death.
i have currently on my computer a number of 58 episodes of sex & the city, 28 of nip/ tuck, 18 of prison break and innumerous number of movies. is that what all of my summer is going to be? better not. because ive got also 900 pages of introduction to marketing to read, and some more easy lectures such as 7 books leftovers from last year.

i should find the balls to give a call to one of my best friends who turns out to be pregnant and she is only 18. but thats a long story on its own.

i just had the balls to write an email to my ex-ex-italian-ex (=The Ratman). was tough but i made it. didnt say anything. necessary. but cmon its a first step to something.

i dont have the balls to write to my korean-somewhere-boyfriend (K-boy). i know i would love to talk to him and i dunno. just talk. i miss him. but can do nothing bout it. there is 5000 miles in between. plus other things (read: =fucks) ive done in the meantime.

i re-started correspondence with Thomas though. my wannabe-future-husband, or better me-wannabe-his-wife, and us starring as the wannabe-stoners-couple-par-excellance. we would have lived in some attic on roofs of a'dam smoking pot and giggling and fucking all day long. oh wait. bad plan, already had that somewhere along the way, not a good plan, no way.

i already wrote to B-guy you know that. no answer whatsoever.

but the other asshole par excellance, The Fungusman, did have the deceincy to get back in touch with me. nice of him, but still he remains an asshole.

and lastly, a couple of days befor i left, i heard a striking news. J-apa broke up with the 3-year-lasted girlfriend, and then has moved to france to build up a house there and live. forever. although the house is going to be on the property of his parents so i honestly believe thats his settling solution. but still.
he must come back. he is my only hope.
i lose hope.
in mankind.

im not depressed. im just that innerly bored that in this momemnt i would prefered to be depressed and feel something rather than feel empty like a cereal bowl.

i know what im going to do. put on some hot makeup, wear a pinky floreal marylin dress, make my blonde curls come true, drink some fine red wine and go out. with random acquaintances. whatever. i dont care. the search for quality is gone. today on price is superficial.
and purely artificial.

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this.is.all.ive.got.to.say. now deal with it.

Jun. 22nd, 2006 | 11:00 am
mood: thoughtful thoughtful

i just wanted to let you know that. hm. the entire thing turns out to be just bad.

and by this you know exactly what i mean. that it shouldnt have gone this way in the first place.
too bad. too bad we're not friends, too bad that we kinda lost the only chance to be anything of that kind.

im sure that, in the end, you could be really a nice guy. at least you were when i met you. i was enthusiast, actually i genuinely liked you. remember, we used to have fun together, and it was all good.

but then all of a sudden something went really wrong. not sure precisely what, maybe it was too much. of the situation, too much weed, too much of laugh, too much of usual bullshit. your ego vs. my ego. we screwed it up, didnt we. at the point of no re-start.

i just wanted to tell you that it is you that has got me totally wrong in the end. i mean. how i really am, what i really want, how i feel about you. was, wanted, felt.
in your eyes, i still might be a ... (fill the blank yourself), but nevermind. although i am disappointed, who am i to modestly brainwash people and their opinions. and especially i dont have the magic wand to make those opinions change over night; i can just hope they will in time. eventually.

all in all, i was just wandering - lets call it all a misunderstanding or a mismatch?

too bad, whatever it was.

hm. this is just something that was bugging me for a bit, so i wanted to.. nevermind. btw, hope you have a great summer.

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how does it feel eating spaghetti's now instead of eating out my pussy?

Jun. 15th, 2006 | 03:09 am
mood: crappy crappy
music: placebo _ my sweet prince

heh. we had dinner together. i mean tamara & me, him & this other girl, apparently *just a friend*. he has no friends. he has no life now, from what i've heard.

he looked gorgeous. as usual. just in my eyes. again.


why do you behave as i am the most hateful person on this planet. i mean. why. do you. hate me. is that one of your self-defense mechanisms? or just your stupid penis-centric pride?

you know we had a hardtime couple of months ago, when the thing happened, remember. you mean, i did. and now. why do you have to re-emerge that and make me re-suffer some stupid childlish behavior and attitudes we had.

i am really sad now. guess who made me feel that way.

i really care about you, but it seems so obvious how incompatable we are.

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Jun. 9th, 2006 | 10:05 am
location: back to ucu
mood: accomplished accomplished


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you can try but you can never run away

May. 24th, 2006 | 02:46 am
location: bgd
mood: complacent complacent
music: augustana _ boston

right now im in my old room. of my old home, i think i can call it that way. surrounded by my books and my cds, finally. but aside from that its totally empty. i still have things that remind me of ..
- my bio-book, which is not going to be opened in a while
- my ashtray, already full even here (already!)
- my black leather sandals + red nail polish
- the scar i've got on my stomach, still there after 2 months
- the pill, more for the next 5 months
- pictures lying all around
- livejournal

i think i might make myself one toastie right now.

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such great heights i've reached

May. 24th, 2006 | 02:20 am
location: some sort of home [belgrade]
mood: weird weird
music: postal service

i hardly can believe its over. ALREADY?? prolly im the only person out of all uc people who kind of didnt want it to end. i had a great semester afterall. you know that. already done sum-ups like ten times. all get to the same result. its not gonna ever be the same. next year this time youll be a 2nd year dear. your already 1/3 way through all of it. pity? bleah.

no, the problem is a different one. not being a 2nd year itself, but having to behave as a 2nd year. which i will impose to myself. categorically. stoically. no more stupid shit, no more stuff, alcohol, substances. some subjects and subject-related actions. no more fun. work.
oh you will remember you said that bullshit yourself.

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May. 19th, 2006 | 11:11 pm
location: my room and then beach party area
mood: excellent! excellent!

we are gonna get WASTED!

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(no subject)

May. 18th, 2006 | 03:04 pm
location: voltaire & non-working

-Closest red thing to you?
my toe nails.
-Last thing to make you angry?
my psycho(logy) teacher.

-Do you have a temper?

-Are you a fan of romance?
no. but shit happens.

-Closest orange thing to you?
absolutely nothing.

-Do you like to burn things?
candles. paper. but im afraid of fire.

-Dress up for Halloween?
so to say.

-Are you usually a warm-hearted person?
im a sweetheart.

-Do you have anything against ginger hair?

Are you usually full of energy?
20% of the time.

-Closest yellow thing to you?
the ceiling.

-The happiest time[s] of your life?
when im on my period (irony).

-Favorite holiday?
everlasting summer.

-What makes you smile?
mortal stupidness

-Are you a coward?
could be.

-Do you burn or tan?
burn and then tan.

-Closest green thing to you?
my greenest shirt im wearing

-Do you care about the environment?
no, my dad (ecologist doc.) does it for me

-Are you jealous of anyone right now?
of the entire world.

-Are you a lucky person?
not today

-Do you always want what you can't have?
life would be a challenge without a little bit of masochism

-Do you like being outdoors?
now i do.

-Closest blue thing to you?
fukc this world is absolutely colorless! no blue.

-Do you like the sea?
yes. sardenia and croatia. bahamas could do too.

-Last thing to make you cry?
my period.

-Are you a logical thinker?
98.9% time. even when i indulge myself in fuckable activities.
other 1.1% is when im on my period.

-Can you sleep easily?
im always tired.

-Closest purple thing to you?
right now nothing. but half of my room is purple.

-Like being treated to expensive things?

-Do you like mysterious things?

-Favorite type of chocolate?
milk, white, milka cow spots, praline filling, yoghurt filling, etc etc.

-Ever met anyone in royalty?

-Are you creative?
i can be. when im not working.

-Closest pink thing to you?
nada. people are depressed in this place. no wonder.

-Do you like sweet foods?
cant live without sugar and carbs

-Like play-fighting?

-Are you sensitive?

-Do you like punk music?

-Closest white thing to you?
the walls, the desks, almost everything. its like a fuckin mental institution.

-Would you say you're innocent?
per NADA.

-Always try to keep the peace?
trying is a word. but not.

-How do you imagine your wedding?
black. & white. and satin.

-Do you like to play in the snow?

-Are you afraid of going to the doctors or dentists?
after all the lovely experiences i had, now i am.

-Closest black thing to you?
the dell computer

-Ever enjoy hurting people?

-Are you sophisticated or silly?
im sophie, pleasure to meet you.

-Afraid of death?
never thought of it.

-Would you like to go to space?

-Do you have a lot of secrets?
AMAZINGLY a lot. almost 85% of my life.

-What is your favorite color?
black, white, red.

-Does the color you wear affect your mood?

-What color would you think best symbolizes your personality?
im a Scorpio

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May. 18th, 2006 | 02:52 pm
location: voltaire now
mood: pissed off pissed off

actually pissed. at my psychology teacher. according to her, i missed several points on my exam. according to me, it was perfect. i mean cmon, you give ME the question about freud and psychodynamic theories and then you grade it with only 4.5 out of 7 pts. those 2.5 pts PISSED THE HELL out of me, i swear. i sat there in her office strongly decided not to move until she gives me a clear explanation. the explanation sucked ass. said something like well i was giving the pts according to whether or not you covered 8 main things. EIGHT?? i mean eight about mr Sigmund FREUD??? IMPOSSIBLE. IGNORANT.

FREUD is my thing. and that stands.
and who the FUCK are you to be the bitch?
freud would dismiss you as a psychoignorantiumfreak.

thank you.
Tags: ,

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i just cant be bothered.

May. 18th, 2006 | 12:21 am
location: voltaire
mood: desperate! desperate!

i love sitting in voltaire and staring at the ceiling. HELLO. its not working. im feeling sick. chained to the chair. about to vomit.

speaking about the vomit.
speaking about the devil.
last nite.
not gonna think about it anymore.

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May. 17th, 2006 | 04:00 pm

Get one of your own! by Drunken Hero

Stalked again, a rant by ninfie.

bounce_lighting is stalking ninfie
bounce_lighting’s REAL name : Nowell Hockley
bounce_lighting’s REAL DOB : 25th November 1974
Height :191 cm Weight : 102.1 kg
bounce_lighting has dreamt about you : 5 times
bounce_lighting became interested in you : 19th April 2004
bounce_lighting’s latest dream about you
bounce_lighting and ninfie make passionate love on a condom strewn beach in Belgium to the sound of George Michael’s Careless Whisper playing in the distance.
This is how bounce_lighting describes your relationship behind your back
‘God its going fantastic. I’ve never felt happier……..ever. Nothing can go wrong now. Fuck tempting fate!’
bounce_lighting’s been stealing stuff from your house too.
bounce_lighting seems to get a thrill from continually stealing your toothbrushes. It is rumoured that bounce_lighting uses them to scratch their ass.
They’ve even started modifying their body for you
bounce_lighting took a bit far when they gouged your name into their arm with a tablespoon.
They sent the following message to you in a Valentines
If I can’t have you, nobody can darling. I’d advise you to committ these words to memory.

The Police
No. calls to the police : 30 times
Your Last Call to The Police
"Hello is that the police? Ah good, it’s just there’s this maniac standing outside my house in the pouring rain waving at me, with flowers in their hand. I think they’ve been following me for the last year Their name? bounce_lighting."
bounce_lighting’s Police File
bounce_lighting may be a hypocrite, a liar and a thief but they are by no means a serious threat to society.

Testimonies about bounce_lighting
grimtragedy - A hardened ex-crook
‘I’m tired of hearing about of these allegations about bounce_lighting. ninfie is a demented twat. Ignore her.’
toxypoo - A boring stoner
‘Boring. I know ninfie and bounce_lighting really love each other. They are both just seeking attention. Just get married and stop the fucking games already! Jesus!’
future_star20 - Worn out Musician
‘I don’t really have that many enemies - but bounce_lighting is definitely one of them now.’
madeofspiders18 - Long-haul trucker
‘I would not piss on bounce_lighting if they were on fire.’

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silly silly me

May. 17th, 2006 | 03:41 pm
location: voltaire
mood: angry angry

how could i do such a stupid thing last nite. ended up in the bar. my intestine ingested something equal to 8 beers and 1 red bull. and then i couldnt go to sleep until 5.30 in the morning. shit crap shit!

and i have 2 exams.

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i am drugged. again.

May. 15th, 2006 | 12:17 am

and i hope this is going to give me other 4 hours of life (study).
see you tomorrow.

have a nice healthy life.

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this caffeine shit is apparently working

May. 14th, 2006 | 02:42 am
mood: cold cold
music: jack johnson

and i cant help it. go to sleep.
im like a zombie, my eye balls are mr bean streched.
im staring at the book.

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another sleepless nite.

May. 14th, 2006 | 01:27 am
mood: restless restless
music: beck

has to be. had 2 red bulls and. yeah. the caffeine boosting drug. if that doesnt work what will?
decision. gotta be efficient this nite/dawn. im thinking of. until 6am? then go to sleep for an hour or two, then go outside, and fall asleep on the grass in the morning sun. and then other 4 hours. lunch. hmwk with jascha. other reading. re-studying for tomorrows exam. more and more. bar? hm. depends. if the person whom i have to talk to is going to be there. otherwise. study. for other 2 exams. write an essay. or maybe powerpoint a presentation.

think about next friday. BEACH PARTY. friends. and non. most importantly: no sober people. drugs. or maybe not. you have to be at the fuckin schiphol airport at 9am. shit. oh well. guess im gonna be like *hey dude gotta go home let me pass.. hick ;-)

that party is going to be a BLAST. according to what ive heard.. people literally RUIN themselves, along with other *people*.
and YOU. are not gonna do that. you had JUST ENOUGH of teenage shitinessness and hormonal exhibitions.


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i just cant go to sleep at this hour. no joke.

May. 13th, 2006 | 04:50 am
mood: crashed crashed

i went to the bar to grab a red bull and peanuts like 3 hours ago?!
had a very gorgeously looking surprise in front of me - the most beautiful looking (asian) man on the Planet Earth, aka the J-boy..
and we talked. exchanged verbal expressions. he recognized me. wow.

fuck. he has a girlfriend whom he deeply loves, i know.

and i will always love him deeply and innerly.

too bad hes never going to be mine.
he would be *special*, not like the bunch of worms/larvae/fungi i have had around until now.

i am going officially to sleep. and dream about my lovely eastern man.

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she is fabulous, i must admit.

May. 9th, 2006 | 01:59 am
mood: amused amused
music: emiliana torrini

the other SHE. his PREVIOUS one. the one he cheated on, with MOI. like 6 months ago. heh.

today we had a LOVELY conversation. maybe we will live together next year, it would be FABULOUS and a great fun, really.

she is a GIRL. one of those PRETTY Barbie type ones, she just blinks her extralong eyelashes. and is actually quite SMART.

AMAZED me. she likes Stanley Kubrick. MAN! would have never expected such a thing from her, i mean. stupid PREJUDICEs.

someone was right last semester.
that we WOULD actually BECOME best FRIENDS, who knows?!

well, we already have 3 things in common.
Good tea
Stanley Kubrick
and The Fungus-man.

and man, AGAIN - she is so GORGEOUS, i am still fucking wondering HTF did she end up with HIM?!? (HTF did I end up with HIM?!?)
anyways, i swear, if i had a penis myself, i would doubt twice about getting down on her :-o :-O

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i was tripping babies man!

May. 5th, 2006 | 04:41 pm
mood: scared scared
music: tears for fears _ head over heels

last nite i had a really nice reunion time w chris esther & tamara. we chillaxed in my new room for a while, drank some serbian vodka & rose wine, smoked a J (which is d'oblige), and then went to the bar. had a pitcher there (also d'oblige).

and THEN.
i woke up 7 hours later.

i was pregnant. and was carrying a Fungusian baby inside of me. OH MAN it was HORRIBLE. vida was with me and we were in my grandparents summer house (archetype of my dreams). i remember my mom was interrogating me how the FUCK did it happen, and she cross-examined us by asking "vida, were you penis-devirginized" (what an expression!). and she said no. then she asked me. and i said "what do YOU think?!". i remember then she asked details and what and where and whatnot. and then i started NUMBERING - you know like Samantha Jones did when she was about to take the aids test - i couldnt COUNT anymore.
:-O :-O
and in the meantime my tummy was growing at yeast speed. i was already 4th month therefore i couldnt abort anymore. nightmarrish.
and then GUESS what.
the Fungus-man arrived and he started giggling. GIGGLING. i was about to shoot him, seriously. he was giving me some crap about The PILL and i told him to shup up. the best part was also him tellin me that i have to give birth in a natural way, not anesthetized, cause its according to some stupid tradition ritual (WTF?!?)

it was insane.
and i woke up and burst in tears.

couldnt calm down, until i finally found a pack of The Pill on my desk.

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{an imperfect perfect circle} i think i rounded it up

May. 4th, 2006 | 06:41 pm
mood: full full
music: tears for fears _ head over heels

this school year. it feels just like. i gtg. leave. escape. go somewhere ELSE.


good grades becoming even better (in case i dont screw them up now!)

staying here.

drugs & alcohol.
too much.

sweet & sour.
becoming worse every single time.
not that challenging anymore.

the community.
*malicious smile*
pinky promises.

and with fuckers. i rounded it up. twice.
so i guess thats it.

i am OFFICIALLY ready to start off my 2nd year here.

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an atomic bomb has exploded in my room last nite

May. 3rd, 2006 | 07:34 pm

it was fun, oh yes, it was fun. a random improvised party in my room.

who was there?

the fungus
3 bottles of wine

the best highlights of the nite?

[fungus pointing out at the Pill on my desk... no words necessary]

{moi to the b-guy: are you bisexual, dear?}

and in the end we all love each other.

that was kinky, all of it.

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she is pretty, i must admit.

May. 1st, 2006 | 11:42 am
mood: hehe hehe
music: rhcp _ emit remmus

it was just what i didnt expect. i mean, to meet the girlfriend. first the dog, then the brother, then the mom, and then even the girl-f-r-i-e-n-d. everything in one day.

i am truly honored.

we all know that long distance thing is not really workable. i mean for the penis-vagina correlation.

oh well. too bad.

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and here we are.

May. 1st, 2006 | 12:33 am
music: nin _ closer

dunno. you know it all depends on tonite. whats gonna happen, whats not gonna happen.

you want a payback.

which one. how. dunno.

we'll see.

but dont forget i told you in advance.

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